I hate my life!

I wish people remembered what today is.....


does this mean no one cares?!

Current Location: living room
Current Mood: crying hysterically
Current Music: ohio is for lovers by Hawhorne Heights

I can't do this anymore! I suck @ life! ='(

Current Mood: incredibly upset

*When Joe was younger, he once got his head stuck in his tambourine.

*Joe thinks Miley Cyrus needs a straightjacket

*Joe's most ticklish spot is his neck.

*Joe's favorite kind of car is a Mercedes.

*Joe likes shiny things

*If Joe could pick anyone in the world to play him in a movie about his life, he would want Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow to play him.

*Joe's favorite animals are a monkey and a kangaroo.

*His favorite actors are Jim Carrey and Johnny Depp

*Joe's bad habit is biting his nails.

Current Mood: bouncy

Last night wasn't such a great night! I'm so glad it's over with && that I was able to calm down.

Now, I'm actually in a REALLY REALLY REALLY good mood. A very flirtatious mood too  ; ]  lol.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE EVERYONE!<3

Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: good mood!
Current Music: nothing

Alright, so I just fucked myself over again. I'm sooooooo fucking sick of doing that! They expect me to wait until January 3rd to get help?! That's friggen impossible! I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO FRIGGEN SORRY TO EVERYONE THAT I FUCKED OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY YOU (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)

I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!! I HONESTLY DESERVE TO CURL UP IN A LITTLE BALL && DIE A SLOW && VERY PAINFUL DEATH!! I HATE MYSELF FOR EVERYTHING I EVER DID! I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO BE SUICIDAL.. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPRESSED.. I DON'T WANT TO CURSE PEOPLE OUT WHEN I CRY HYSTERICALLY.. I DON'T WANT TO THROW UP FROM CRYING SO MUCH ANYMORE.. I DON'T WANT TOMORROW TO BE CHRISTMAS EVE.. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY EVERYONE! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME. WELL, SOME OF YOU DO ALREADY, SO FORGET IT!

I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME!!  I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE ANYMORE. I CAN'T TAKE IT! ALL I DO IS FUCK MYSELF OVER && EVERYONE ELSE TOO!

I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIE! SORRY I DIDN'T GO TONIGHT ;; I WAS CRYING WAY TOO MUCH && DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR DAY! I LOVE YOU SOO MUCH BIG CUZ!

THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT HAS TRIED TO HELP ME, EVEN IF THEY FAILED. I'LL EVENTUALLY BE BETTER. UNLESS I DIE FIRST. I'LL FORCE MYSELF TO BE HAPPY, THOUGH! WELL I'LL FAKE IT!

I'M SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY && CRYING HYSTERICALLY. GREAT COMBINATION, RIGHT?? YEAH, I WISH.

I'M SORRY! IF YOU WANT ME TO DIE, TELL ME && I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN SOMEHOW. SINCE OBVIOUSLY, I'LL NEVER BE HAPPY, I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TRY TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE HAPPY. IT WOULD PROBABLY MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY IF I DIED, BUT I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I CANNOT DO THAT TO MY FAMILY!

I'M A FUCKING HYPOCRITE BECAUSE I TOLD 1 OF MY FRIENDS THAT DEATH ISN'T THE ANSWER && NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT HOW BAD I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY ANYMORE!!

I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE!!

PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I THINK I HAVE ENOUGH HATE TOWARDS MYSELF

Okay, so I just talked to Joey (because I called Ralphie) && I'm supposed to sit && think about how great my life is && how I'm such a beautiful girl (yeah right!) && all that stuff. All the stuff that are lies.

So, Joey, I will think about it, but I'm sure I won't come up with a positive answer.

Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: crying hysterically
Current Music: I'm not okay- My Chemical Romance

I honestly can't take all the shit that's been happening lately!! Why does life have to be so damn hard?!

I haven't gone to school in 2 f*cking weeks! That's horrible, especially because I think I failed all my classes for not going. Idk though. I'm scared my days at home are limited, though. I'm so scared to leave home again!

I miss all my friends from my old Catholic school!  I'm sorry I didn't talk to you guys a lot. Keep in mind all the shit I had to go through. It especially hurts that I lost M && G because I was the closest to them && Richard. What happened?! I want to go back to the days we were friends. Those days were so much better than now.

Kay && Arie couldn't come over tonight because they got grounded =( I was so friggen upset  because that was like the only thing I was happy about.

I've texted and called Ralphie all day, but I still haven't gotten a text or a call from him. Seriously, what did I f*cking do?! Whatever I did, I'm sorry. 

I'm crying hysterically again. I hate life!

&& I called Chris back today && he told me he still "loves" me, so now I feel like shit even more. 

I can't do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P. Jim 12/18/07. You'll always be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tags: i
Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: crying hysterically
Current Music: Christmas stuff

Auditions for the play are tomorrow. I'm so not in the mood to study the damn script again! Maybe later. Who knows??

My mom told me yesterday that I'm probably going to a residential. I'm going to try && change everyone's mind about it. The meeting is on Tuesday, so maybe if I go to school tomorrow && Tuesday, they won't send me to one. It would be after New Year's, but it still sucks! So, I'll just go to school this whole week (PLEASE don't let me be sick!) && hopefully that will work!

OMG! Johnny just called me! He's home for the weekend. This is such an awesome surprise!

Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: nothing

I haven't gone to school since last Friday because I feel like crap. I was going to go today, but I got practically no sleep. Then when I woke up, I wanted to go, but it was like 12:30, so obviously it would've been pointless to go at that time because I'd have to get ready && I'd probably get there at like 1:30 if I was ready by 12:45. There's no point in that because I'd just be in lunch, then have S.S, && then have Drama && then leave.  I really really really wanted to go to school today.  Not only did I want to prove that I could do it, but I miss my friends. I also wanted to go to Drama, considering auditions start on Monday. I guess I should study my script again, although I probably won't get a part anyway....

Last night, I had a mental breakdown. I just started crying && it didn't seem like I would ever stop. I eventually did. Thankfully. && Court had me listen to a song the other day. She had me listen to "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace.  That song makes me cry hysterically. Is it really never too late?? I hope it's not too late. Ugh, I'm crying again.  So, Court was like, "Ter(d), it really isn't too late. You can get help, you know?? You just have to go to school. We all want you to get the help you need. Do you really want to live at a residential for a year instead of being home with us?! Please, just go to school && get the help, so you can stay at home because we all love you, so we want you here with us."  That makes me cry hysterically, because I realized that she's right.  If I get my @$$ to school, I can get some help && live at home.  If I don't go to school, I go to a residential. Wow, I can't believe I didn't realize this sooner.  The reason I've been feeling so sick lately is because I'm scared that I'm going to go to school && not come home. I'm so scared that's going to happen.  Court && Joc told me that if I go to school, than they have no reason to stick me in a residential. I hope they don't. I really want to live at home. Oh, && Court, I love you guys too!

This is enough...

Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: tearful
Current Music: "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace

Yet again, I f*cked up!  Now Mom is aggravated && upset && I feel like shit!  Let's start at what happened Thursday....

Thursday, I had a doctors appointment.  It didn't go as I planned.  I got 1 of my meds DECREASED instead of the other med INCREASED.  The doctor decreased the med that makes me fall asleep, so of course I haven't been able to sleep.  No big deal, right??  Only it IS a big deal because I need sleep, otherwise I cannot last through a day. 

Okay, so my mom is aggravated because I didn't go to school today.. or yesterday.  The reason being because of my lack of sleep.  Well, yesterday it was because it felt like I ran my head into a brick wall (which I didn't, btw).  So, it was very difficult falling asleep last night. I had every intention on going to school. I had my clothes picked out && everything. Of course, I couldn't sleep through the night. I woke up at friggen 4:30 A.M. because of a f*cking nightmare.  Then I couldn't fall back asleep. I almost fell back asleep at 5:30, but then Court's alarm went off.... every 5 effin` minutes.  Court didn't wake up for her alarm, so eventually I was like "Courtney!" && she said "oh" && turned it off. Then I couldn't fall back asleep AGAIN! So, I was about to fall back asleep at around 6:45ish, but Court && Joc were talking, so I told them to shut up.  I was annoyed at this point.. not at them, but at the doctor who decreased my meds. I still couldn't fall asleep. I fell asleep at like 7:15 && then 5 minutes later, my mom woke me up for school.. I told her I couldn't go because I'm too tired. She got pissed off && said "you always have an excuse, don't you??" I said sorry && said I couldn't fall asleep until 5 minutes ago.  Then I had to take my meds with my daily yogurt. I had 1 bite of yogurt (just to take the meds) && then I was like, "sry mom, but I need sleep." she said, "eat your breakfast."  I said, "no. I'm not hungry && I'm way too tired."  She said "you can fall asleep at school. That's what Mr. D said."  I was like "yeah, but he doesn't work there, so he doesn't know what he's talking about. I would get in a lot of trouble if I fell asleep." Then she called the bus company && said I wasn't going in.  Then she told me I'm grounded, so I was like "Okay whatever. I'm going to sleep" I called her a little while ago to explain the whole situation about not being able to fall asleep, but then she said, "so go take a shower, get dressed, && I'll take you to school." I said, "you just said @ the meeting yesterday, how you were done taking me to school. I feel sick to my stomach anyway because of the lack of sleep." My mom got pissed && was like "I feel sick to my stomach too && I'm at work. You're not vomiting, you can go to school."  I said, "No, but I'm about to vomit" Then I was like, "&& I'm sick of getting grounded for stupid reasons."  My mom said, "Fine, do whatever you want. I don't give a shit anymore. Now before we start arguing, let's hang up. bye"   Seriously, why do I always f*ck up?!?!

Oh && at the meeting yesterday, I convinced them not to send me to a residential. 

I am going to go to school tomorrow, Mom. Just wait && see! I'll be able to do it, as long as you increase my meds again to make me sleep. I'm sorry! I love you...

Current Location: dining room
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: nothing at the moment